Maia Nebula!

The world is sick, but my smile is intact.

Thursday, April 29, 2004

"Lauchan, 99% of the things suck, dakedo, let's live for 1% of joy!"

Could anything ever give me a brighter gleam of hope?

Friday, April 23, 2004


It was the most amazing thing. A huge distance had been shortened, two sleeves of a sweater met when it was folded. He folded it. I could not see, but my right ear was suddenly filled with a noise I had only seen on tv. "Irasshaimase---!" again, and again, and again. A street market in Ueno. The real street market in the real Ueno in the real Tokyo in the real Japan in real time! The one and only love of my life standing in the middle of the hubbub, a hubbub I long to dive into... Could he picture my awestruck face? Could he picture the silence reigning in the dark living room while that street in the future was ever so lively? Nigiyaka... that's the word for what I heard, for the mystery that leaked through the lines over the ocean way up on the mountains into my brain. Meanwhile, in the past, birds still dream of flying higher, water slides down the drain pipes, striking them with sounds that remind me of a steeldrum... Shizuka.

Some minutes away from now, birds will come back from their bluer skies, sit on cable spiderwebs, and start a conversation we tend to miss. Drowsy people will pour into a red bus, stuffing it with sneezes and hot breath. I will walk among my own kind of "irasshaimase." Nigiyaka. He will ride a train into the rice fields that saw him grow. A familiar house will stand alone in the middle of a land that has belonged to them almost forever. The drone of crickets will whisper "oyasuminasai." Shizuka.

You see us smiling; only will our hearts imitate our faces when our watches are set in the same time, when we stop living in a world of antonyms.

Saturday, April 17, 2004

Mad Girl's Love Song

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

—Sylvia Plath, Mad Girl's Love Song

You're fading, fading, fading, and slowly you become a mere product of my crooked imagination. Are you still real? Should I go to sleep to see you again?

Thursday, April 15, 2004


Last night I decided to sleep early; I was excessively tired. I had a dream about a campaign to save a baby who didn't look like a baby at all, but rather like a finger with a smiley face. In the midst of it all I opened my eyes, and immediately afterwards I felt how they welled up in tears. I couldn't believe it, but I was crying in the middle of the night for practically no reason. Well, supposedly there was a reason, but it was related to the dream (something like a last-second revelation that crashed into a sad piece of reality), and now that I'm awake it makes no sense at all.

The reasons don't matter to me. What's left from this bizarre moment is the watery sensation in my eyes, a fierce river flowing through my sclera, a heavy waterfall on my cheeks, Amélie dissolving into a pool on the tiled floor. It was close to drowning, as if my soul were swimming in saltwater...

Aka kiro himawari daidai gunjou ajisai
Aka kiro himawari daidai gunjou ajisai
Nami ni Tadayou tsuki no hikari
konsui no naka tsuki no hikari
oyogu hitori kurai umi wo
Nami ni Tadayou tsuki no hikari
konsui no naka tsuki no hikari
hashiru hitori kurai sorawo
anata ni aeru nara
Aka kiro himawari daidai gunjou ajisai
Aka kiro himawari daidai gunjou ajisai
oyogi hitori ukai yamiwo
anata ni aeru made
Aka kiro himawari daidai gunjou ajisai
Nami ni tadayou...

—Buck Tick, Gessekai

Wednesday, April 07, 2004


Do you remember how I waved when I saw you coming out of the gate in the airport? Have you any idea of how insecure I felt then? Well, let me tell you about it. We hugged, and I'm sure you remember, because a policeman scolded us for leaving your luggage unattended. However, by then I felt we were old friends, and I was very scared about that. What if your heart had been emptied from the sparks that had always moved it toward me, and therefore I had to remove the sparks that moved me to you and smile at you as friends do? What if distance and time had corroded the bond between us?

We talked. We were still friends. We laughed. We took a cab. I sat beside you, and the moment that followed our sitting there became —believe me— one of the most decisive and beautiful memories in my life. I took a chance, a risk, I played my wildcard... and I sent my hand to fetch yours. I don't know what I was thiking then, maybe I was too frightened by the possibility of a negative outcome. But when your hand held mine so firmly, and when they touched each other so... so full of yearning, as if there could never be a better place for them to be than right there on our laps, dancing and kissing in a way we knew we could not... then I knew nothing had changed, and happiness could still reside in my heart, fueled by yours.

My hand is longing for yours again. When will it be back?

Friday, April 02, 2004

"Now Psyche would have slept for ever, had not Eros, now recovered from his sickness, come to her and awakened her, which was bound to happen. For there is no place for Love to dwell except in the Soul, who animates all things, and there is no meaning for the Soul to live and be awake except for the sake of Love."

Psyche, Greek Mythology Link