Maia Nebula!

The world is sick, but my smile is intact.

Sunday, August 29, 2004

Ce que je dis, ce que tu ne vas jamais écouter

What happened, then? Why did we say goodbye? Why did we think we hated each other? A thousand stories won't make up for the damage I never thought I did. I must have hurt you. You must have been sad. I walked out on you, and I couldn't care less. However, you have no memories of the pain you caused. You think it's all my fault.

Don't you know hearts never look away when love is steadfast?

If you ask me, I was never sure. Maybe my conscious self did not know it, but that part of me which led me to follow that mysterious stranger... that part knew I hesitated. That part knew this was more of an obsession than it had been love.

I guess I'm sorry. But stop looking all tough! We'll never clean our minds from this black resentment if you run away, screaming there's no way back— that's the last thing I need to know! I'm well aware that I can't step back into your arms, that there's no way in hell I'm stepping back... I just feel I never had a chance to let go of my rage. You don't remember anything but your own pain.

You never knew. You may never know. You don't want to know. And as far as I'm concerned, I may as well leave you with the uncertainty.

After all, it was I who stepped away so blatantly, right?

Monday, August 23, 2004


As time makes its way through my soul, as it corrodes my veins swiftly —like nitric acid and water —I realize how incredibly ignorant I am, how much I have yet to see, to hear, to experience. I've been so silly to think I'm smart, talented, ugly...! None of those things count, none of that is relevant. What I am is represented by my actions, by my feelings...

I have never become something: I already am someone.

My rants on something as useless as how my knowledge might surpass other people's, how my ugliness might affect my life on this dirty planet, how I might have become pretty (I hate it when people say "you've changed so much...!")... all those things are commonplace. All I should worry about is how to keep on going on this wild highway they usually call Life.

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Athens 2004

As some people know, I'm definitely not into sports. I yawn at the sole thought of watching soccer, or tennis, or basketball. I run away from F1. I'd rather do homework than watch sports.


There's a certain time of the year when my attitude changes radically.

Oh yeah, it's time for the Olympics! It's time for me to watch tennis, soccer, basketball, ping-pong, swimming, gymnastics, weightlifting, bicycle races, etc, etc, etc... I go for any country, I don't care! As long as I see the competition, I'm happy! I love seeing people from all over the world, I love their happy faces when they win... I love everything about the Olympic Games!!!

By the way, Colombia won a bronze medal! We're not going back from Athens empty-handed! Yay!

Well, I guess I should go back to my homework. If I don't sleep tonight, I will unleash a storm of procrastination for the rest of the semester. I will not let that happen!

Sunday, August 15, 2004


Good times. Who would've thought...

How can love be more important than one's own life— so much, that one would be willing to terminate it if love were gone?

There was so much to live for, Saroj, so much... Yet you made your decision, and there's no Undo button for it.

And to all of you whom I know: please, remain strong. Nothing justifies such a loss.

Tuesday, August 10, 2004


Have you already flown?
Have you crossed the immense blue which has kept you away from my green strip of land?
Is my day your day now? Do we sleep at the same night?
I speak of you as if I were a widow, yet you're not dead. They look at me as if something dear had been wrenched away from me.
However, you've never left.

...No, you've never left.

Sunday, August 08, 2004

Understanding the East

My Japanese teacher gave us an explanation on the eastern way of thinking. He mentioned the name Zen, but I'm not sure this is Zen philosophy. I can't remember everything he said; I guess I should have written it down as soon as the class was over. However, some aspects of it stuck in my mind. When I told my friends about them, they looked at me as if I had read every single book written by Paulo Coelho, but I think the Brazilian author is a huge cheap farce, so I had to make it clear that there was no influence whatsoever from him. I must admit it took me a long time to assimilate, as I can't deny I've grown up in a Western environment. However, I think I'm beginning to understand now. Basically, the idea is that westerners tend to focus on two things easterners don't: ego and problems. Correct me if I'm wrong, please.

On this side of the Earth, one's ego is the most important aspect of our lives. We are supposed to be somebody in order to go on. Who are we, then? People are always looking for their identity —am I a skater? am I an artist? am I preppy? —when one should simply be. We identify ourselves with concepts as limited as subcultures or nationality, and as long as we keep on doing so, we will never grow beyond this 'roof' we've imposed over ourselves. We are, for example, Colombians, and nothing else. This is why we simply don't care about things that happen out of our little realm. We're not Iraqi, so we simply don't care about their pain. We're not Americans, so we don't care about their pain either (one of the kids whose Math papers I used to grade was sent to Iraq; did you think soldiers are Bush's robots?). We have a defined personality, a defined identity to stick to, which is not to change, ever. If you think you're shy, you will be shy, and you'll stay shy until you die. It's simply a roof you've imposed over yourself, a roof that doesn't let you go any further. I have my own roof whenever I say I'm incapable of interacting with people my age.

Another aspect of our egocentric culture is how our own self prevails over everybody else's. It's our own feelings what matter, our own needs, ignoring the rest of people. We (myself included) have chosen to ignore the fact that only as a team we will succeed. As long as we keep an exclusive cult to our own little self, disrespecting others blatantly, we will be stuck. This is where the second point we focus on comes in: problems. Westerners think negatively all the time. For every single idea or deed there is a 'but.' When we were told to go to school on Saturdays, we roared. "But it's a holiday!" When I told my friends about these things I'm writing now, Kitty said "But what if you're a miserable woman trying to look for food for your kids? Should you not think about your problems then?" I did not know what to reply then, but I do now. The answer comes with some background on what came before Kitty's rebuttal.

The professor says our problems' roots are the past and the future. As long as we are chased down by our past, tortured by our future, we'll never recover from our problems. There are no problems, only situations to solve. Kitty's question comes here. Well, the solution goes way beyond our own ego. A mother on the street trying to feed her hungry children is considered as a problem by the rest of us. Somebody should have done something about her, right? This whole country is crumbling down, and we simply sit down and talk about how big that problem is. However, our ego is way above all of this, which prevents us from working the situation out. What better example than Hiroshima and Nagasaki? I'm sure that if the Japanese followed the same trend of thought as Colombians, Japan would be no more than a filthy pit nowadays. I guess the clue is: feel the pain, but do not endure the suffering. Of course there was pain among the Japanese (what more pain than that?), but they got up, faced it, and worked out the situation. The outcome is known as the Japanese Miracle.

It's been historically difficult for us westerners to understand eastern cultures. It's been difficult for me to understand certain aspects of their life, even though I'm open to other cultures (I'm open, but I still have a lot to learn). I think these points, exposed by my professor, will definitely help me on my way to understand these people I want to deal with for the rest of my life.

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Party Girl

Summer vacation is over. I'm taking eight classes this fall; I hope I can cope with all of them. If not, I'll just drop one. I hope I don't have to, though, even if French seems like a huge monster staring at me with its green snake eyes.

Anyway, our Colombian cold, cloudy, windy, rainy, absolutely non-summery summer is over. Summer, given its lack of obligations, is a good time for young people (like myself) to gather around and party. Partying is supposed to be an extremely fun activity. Party-goers forget all of their daily worries for a couple of hours, meet new people, dance, talk, and drink.
There's even a lot of food during some of these gatherings. Parties are also useful to meet one's dream partner... at least one's temporary dream partner. You know how it goes: you chat with somebody, and that somebody turns out to be quite compatible. Many relationships begin as casual encounters during parties.

Oh yeah, it's supposed to be one hell of an activity.

Except that I don't enjoy it.

I wonder why my Personality chip didn't bring a Party Compatibility Set, or better put, a Big Meeting With Lots of Strangers Your Own Age Performing Activities Which Are Perfectly Normal and Enjoyable for Your Age Compatibility Set. I don't remember having incredible lots of fun at my friends' parties. I don't remember loving school dances, even though I was lucky enough to find a dance partner at some point of the event. Of course they never asked me for my phone number, so I never saw them again.

Another thing: I can't meet new people. I am socially incapable of meeting people. Especially at large gatherings. Get me into a large gathering and see if I make a new friend. My Score: 0. I really have no idea how I spoke to Minori at Jaime's birthday party. I mean, I actually came close to him and asked him if he had come alone! When else has that happened in Olavia Kite's life? NEVER! NEVER EVER! I guess love makes you pretty courageous (even though I had no idea then on what would happen during the rest of my life in Dubuque).

So... Oh yeah, alcohol. One great component of the average party. If you've got alcohol, you've got the party started, dude. Nice. I don't drink. No, it's not forbidden in my house. No, I don't belong to a religion which prohibits it. I simply dislike it. And I don't understand why you should get drunk to have fun. Of course, there is a big gap between the sober and the intoxicated. If you're sober, you're simply out of it all. So... I'm always out of it all.

And thus, Olavia Kite ends up doing stuff which involves little or no social interaction with people her age.

Sunday, August 01, 2004

What if I were, indeed, a freak? Should you care?